Who Do You Love?
Posted by admin on Jun 11, 2009
I’ve been reading a lot lately about the factors that make up a long and happy life. Most of what I see revolves around the physical aspects of life such as not smoking, eating well, exercising and other factors that contribute to long term health. There’s no doubt that these issues are major factors in quality of life, especially as we age. Chronic diseases like diabetes and arthritis are all related to these items. However, there are also some non tangible items that keep coming up. One of these items is something I find myself really relating to. Namely, it’s the quality of your relationships.
What Are Relationships?
To most people, relationships are things we have with our spouses or fiances. However, relationships can mean a whole lot more than just romance. Relationships are with family, they’re friendships and they’re even the way you maintain contact with former coworkers. All of these are relationships and the strength of your relationships along with their quality can mean a lot for your future happiness.
It Sucks To Be Alone
I know that. I know how painful it is to be lonely. I know what it’s like to wake up in the morning and not have anyone there. I know what it’s like to want so badly to have a partner to go through life with. I understand that we all yearn to find that special someone, the person who we will spend the rest of our lives with. I want that too. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen, nor does it happen right away. In the meantime, there are still friends and family out there and those are the relationships I’m going to talk about today.
My Friends
I have 5 or 6 very close friends. These are people I see every day. These are people I would do anything for. They are there for me unconditionally when I need it and I am there for them if they need me. I cannot tell you how much this support matters to me. During the darkest hours of the darkest days, they are always there. When I’m alone at night I know that I need only call and one of them will come over to play video games, grab a bite to eat or just talk. If I need a favor, all I need to do is ask.
That’s a great comfort to me because it means I am never really alone. Yes, my friendships have some issues and yes there are some things I wish I could change about my friends. In the end though, I realized that my friends are who they are and the changes I wanted were all about me and not them. These days I know that I couldn’t have a better set of friends, not even if I tried.
Finding Friends
Want to know how I found these friends? It was completely by accident. I walked into a game store and looked at some of their merchandise. The clerk at the counter asked me if I was interested in gaming. I said yes. He said “well, me and a few friends are gaming at my house later today. Want to join us?” I hesitated for a moment. I was not an outgoing person back then and I was unsure what to say. Should I accept an invitation from someone I didn’t know at all? In the end, I said yes. 12 years later, I have a group of friends who I would do anything for.
Making friends is really that easy. It’s all about meeting people and, thanks to the internet, there are now a dozen different ways to meet people. Want to volunteer? Check out organizations like One Brick and find ways to volunteer along with people who have similar interests. Best of all, after a satisfying volunteer event, you and your fellow volunteers go out to a meal together where you can get to know each other. Have a hobby or interest? Try Meetup where you can find a group of people interested in the same thing in your neighborhood. Want to learn a new craft? Take a class at a local community center or college and meet people just like you. There are interest groups everywhere and all you need to do is reach out and join them. Take a chance and say yes to that invitation, just like I did.
How To Keep Friends
And once you find your friends, don’t forget to keep them. Go out, have conversations. Do things with them and for them. Don’t do stuff with the expectations of payback and don’t let anyone take advantage of you. Instead, simply give of yourself as much as you’re willing to give for those you care about. Be open and be curious about the other people you meet. There’s no better way to make a friend than to share a life experience you both have in common.
Be there for them through the tough times and the good. Offer help when they’re down and encouragement when they try to get up. Cheer for them when they accomplish something and be happy when their life is good. Good friends don’t do anything because they expect something in return, they do it because they’re friends and because they love one another. That’s the power of a good friend. It’s a love that’s just as strong, although very different, from a romantic one and it’s a love that can be just as supportive.
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I can’t help you find your life partner and I can’t make your family love you, but I can tell you this, good friends are out there. They’re just waiting for you to find them.
Something To Believe In
Posted by admin on May 28, 2009
Ever lost your keys? You’re in a hurry, you’re on your way out and then you’re stopped dead in your tracks. Where are those keys? Damn it! Where are they??! You look everywhere but still, they hide from you. Next time this happens, try this: Say out loud “hey keys, where are you? Come on keys, I need you and I’d really appreciate it if you showed up.” Keep repeating things like that out loud. I’m telling you, it works. Why does it work? Well, my theory is that the universe is alive or maybe that it’s self aware. Either way, it appreciates a little attention every now and again. So when you say what you want out loud, maybe the universe listens. Sound crazy, right? Yah, I know. So let me explain.
I’m not a religious person. I don’t believe in organized religion or “god” as most people refer to him. I don’t believe in an afterlife nor in divine fate. I don’t believe there is some being out there watching over us and judging my every action. I don’t believe in miracles or prophets. I don’t believe in holy men or holy books. I don’t believe in spiritualism, witchcraft, spirits or demons. So why the hell do I talk out loud when I’m looking for my keys? Simply put, because I choose to believe. I choose to believe something is listening because it’s comforting.
During the darkest days of my divorce, there were times when I felt like the world was ending and life was no longer worth living. I had no god to pray to, no savior to look for. All I had was me and a very loyal puppy whose unconditional love kept me from doing something stupid. In those days, I needed so terribly to talk to someone. I needed to be heard. Yes, I was going to a therapist (and still do) but that’s one hour a week. Yes, I have friends and family but they couldn’t be around at all times. They weren’t there when I woke up in the morning, reached over and then discovered yet again that no one was sleeping there next to me. So I talked.
Except talking to myself makes me feel crazy. Not to mention the fact that it’s not very satisfying. Talking to myself feels lonely and that’s not what I needed back then. So I chose to believe that something was listening. It was a conscious choice, not made through some kind of spiritual revelation or divine providence. It was born of necessity, the need to feel not alone. And you know what? It worked.
I’m not looking for a religious code. I’m not looking for anyone to tell me how to live my life or what is moral or immoral. I’m not looking for a code of conduct or a set of rules that will determine my behavior. I believe that my actions are my own, determined by me and not by any kind of divine will or destiny. However, I am comforted by the belief that something or someone is listening. Maybe it’s a self aware universe or maybe it’s just my puppy. Either way, it works.
So try it next time. Whether you’re looking for your keys, looking for a reason to live or looking for a solution to a problem. Talk out loud, pretend someone or something is listening. It may not have an affect but it will make you feel better. It will get your mind going. Plus who knows, maybe your keys will listen and show up.
Don’t Just Think It, KNOW IT! My Take On The Law of Attraction
Posted by admin on May 17, 2009
I recently read something about the Law of Attraction on Steve Pavlina’s blog. For those unfamiliar with it, the Law of Attraction states that there is a universal force which human beings can use in order to attain their goals and wishes. All you need to do is write down what you want and then focus on it. This will cause the law of attraction to manifest your wishes. I’m oversimplifying somewhat and if you want more information, I invite you to do some of your own research. Personally, I believe most of the Law of Attraction is wishful thinking. It’s for people who want the easy way out, for people with big dreams who are desparate to achieve them. “Think about your goals and they’ll come true” sounds like wishful thinking to me. However, there is one thing that I liked about all of this and that’s the clarity it brings to your aspirations.
What Do I Want?
That’s a great question. Most of us don’t really know the answer to that, at least I don’t. Do I want to be rich? A father? A husband? A leader? An author? Do I want a big house? Fancy car? Do I want to make an impact on the world around me? Do I want to be left alone? These are all great questions that many of us face as we grow old, and for a lucky few, the answers are clear. The good thing is that even if you can’t figure out the abig answers, you can still know the little ones. For example, I’m not sure what kind of job I want to hold 10 years from now, but I do know that I’d like to finish writing one of my stories in the next year. Do I want to be an author? Not sure, but I definitely know I want to try my hand at one story. Which brings me back to the law of attraction.
Write It Down
One of the tenets of the Law of Attraction is the writing down of goals. I wholeheartedly support this notion. When you figure out a small goal like writing and publishing a story, write it down, make sure you remember it. Add some details. What kind of story do you want to write? Where would you like to publish it? Are you looking for literary or financial success? Are you looking to have some kind of impact with this story? Add all these little details that will help you clarify your goal.
Believe In Yourself
And here’s the other part of the Law of Attraction which I like, believe in yourself and in your goal. Believe that you are going to accomplish this thing that you’ve written down. Believe that it will come true. Tell yourself over and over that you will be a success and stop doubting yourself or your goals. When you doubt yourself you’re setting yourself up for failure. Those doubts show up in every action you take and they’ll pull you down slowly but surely. You’re never going to commit yourself to a goal as long as you don’t believe in it or in yourself.
Now WORK!
And here’s where I part ways with the Law of Attraction. I don’t believe in some universal force that will make your wishes come true. I do however believe in working towards your goals with the complete belief that you will succeed. Know your goals, focus on them and work towards them. Keep them in your head at all times and look for things that might help you achieve them. Don’t wait for the universe to hand you your wishes, go out and get them!
To Summarize
- Figure out your goals, even if they’re small.
- Write them down
- Focus on them
- Believe in yourself
- Work hard!
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Thank you to Widow’s quest for including a Questing Soul article in their latest carnival of positive thinking.
You Can’t Change Who You Were
Posted by admin on May 9, 2009
When I was growing up, my father was a really bad parent. He was very focused on his own life, his own needs and his own goals. He had very little empathy for his kids and very little patience. The few times that he was home, he would usually try to motivate us through negative comments such as “you’re fat, you need to exercise” or “you’re a disappointment, you need to shape up.” He didn’t do this to hurt us or because he was a cruel person, he did it because he didn’t know any better. His parents raised him this way and he thought this was the way parents should be. He tried to give us what he thought were encouragement and support, he was just really bad at it. He also had other problems which eventually led to his divorce from my mother. In general, he wasn’t a very good person to be around back then.
Fast forward a few years, around 15 years actually. My father today is a good man. He listens to me, he talks to me, he empthasizes, he supports, he feels and he shares his feelings. He asks me for my advice and tells me how proud he is of me on a regular basis. When I was going through my divorce, he was there for me, always supporting and never once accusing. I never once felt like I had disappointed him or that he was upset with me. In other words, my father today is a completely different person than he was when I was growing up.
I Am My Father’s Son
Ten years ago I was lost. I spent my days playing video games and my nights consuming junk food. I had no career, few friends, no money and I was in poor health. I’ve changed most of those things since then. Five years ago I was an emotional mess. I had few communication skills, I couldn’t share what I was thinking or feeling and I had no way of relating to other people. Today I am here telling you my deepest, darkest thoughts and sharing the same things with my girlfriend on a regular basis. I am a completely different person than I was a few years ago.
And Yet
My father tells me how much he regrets not being a better parent. He tells me he’s sorry for what he’s done and that he wishes he could change it. He’s regretful of all the years he missed with us, all the good times he lost and never will get back. I’m sorry too. I’m sorry for the wife I lost, the friends I could have made, the experiences I could have had. But both my father and I know something, you cannot change who you were.
The past is the past. Until they invent time travel, the past is going to stay the past, untouchable and immutable. You can spend all day on the past, rethinking every mistake you’ve made, revisiting every stupid thing you’ve done. You can spend you life on regret and your dreams on might have beens. You can day dream about what could have happened if only…
But if only never comes true. If only is in the past. you’re not going to change what already happened and you cannot change who you were. My father cannot take back what he did. I cannot win back what I lost. We cannot change we we were. However, we can change who we are and who we will be.
Don’t Ignore The Past
Learn from your past. See the mistakes you’ve made and learn how to avoid them. Analyze the things you did wrong and figure out how to do them right. Find your weaknesses and turn them into strengths, but don’t spend all your life doing that. There’s a wonderful world out there and it’s waiting for you to figure that out. My father can spend the rest of his life regretting the past, but instead he’s learned from it and moved on. He’s made peace with it and dedicated himself to enjoying his life and his family. That’s made him a wonderful man. I can spend the rest of my life regretting my mistakes but what will that accomplish? Will I magically make them go away?
Let go, let the past be the past. Learn from it but don’t relive it day after day after day. Learn from your past and then let it go. Move on and make a new life. You cannot change who you were, but you can change who you’re going to be.
Accepting Yourself
Posted by admin on May 3, 2009
Do me a favor, once you read this paragraph, stop reading for a second, go to a mirror and stand before it. What do you see? What flaws are evident? What issues are obvious? What triumphs are visible? Are there things about you that you wish you could change? Are there things you are proud of? Ashamed of? Go ahead, go look in that mirror for a while and then come back.
Me
I’ve tried for years to lose weight. I started out at 280lbs about 7 years ago, got to 220lbs 3 years later and I’ve been stuck since then at that weight. The first 60lbs were easy, I ate healthier and worked out more. The last 20 or 30 lbs are proving a lot more difficult. I try and I try and yet I cannot figure out what is it that will make lose that extra bit of weight. After all, I’m a fit and healthy guy already. What more can I do? I’m a vegetarian, I workout 5 times a week, I’m active on the weekends and I don’t eat that much during meal times. Really, what could possibly be causing this extra weight?
Self Deception
First of all, I need to be honest with myself. The description I gave above is almost true but not quite. I do still have problems with my eating. I occasionally binge eat and I tend to snack too much on chocolate. That’s something I’ve been lying about to my friends and to myself for a long time. If I’m going to overcome this issue, I need to be honest with myself. When I look in that mirror, I see someone healthy and fit, but that’s not the truth. I need to really look at myself and then accept what I see. I need to accept that fact that I have several unhealthy eating habits that are getting in the way of my goals.
What about you? If you go back to that mirror and really take a look at yourself, what are you hiding? What are you unwilling to admit? Is there something you see that scares you? Something that shames you or makes you angry? It’s ok to feel these things; they’re normal human emotions. What’s not ok is to pretend they don’t exist. So go back to that mirror and look at yourself again and this time take a real good look. Think about your history, your present, your likes and dislikes. Think about how you got here and consider where you’re headed. Be honest with yourself, even if there are things you don’t like thinking of. Then accept the fact that these things you dislike are a part of you. Pretending they are not will not make them go away. Accept them as a part of you are.
Acceptance Is NOT Surrender
Remember, accepting something within you is not the same as giving in. In fact, acceptance is the first step to change if that’s what you desire. You cannot change something until you admit that it exists. For example, there’s no way for me to change my unhealthy eating habits until I admit that they are a part of me. As long as I keep pretending that they’re not there, why would I ever do something to fix them? So acceptance is most definitely not surrender. It’s actually quite the opposite. Acceptance is triumph. Acceptance is the first step towards overcoming. Don’t shy away from the things that scare you. Accept them, accept their existance and then start changing them.
My Personal Change
I looked into that mirror a few months ago and I saw many things I didn’t like. I saw a lonely man broken down by the breakup of his marriage. I saw a sad man unhappy at his job. I saw a worried man concerned about his finances. I saw a depressed man frustrated with his communications problems and I saw a disappointed man annoyed at his 4 year struggle with fitness. These were all things that I had refused to admit to myself. Things that I pushed out of my head in my ongoing efforts to convince myself that “things are ok”. But things were NOT ok. Things were as far from ok as can possibly be and I needed to admit that to myself before I could move on.
It’s been 6 months now since I looked in that mirror. I haven’t fixed all of those things just yet, but my life has taken a tremendous turn to the better. My marriage did indeed break up but I am confident once again in my ability to carry on a meaningful relationship. My job has improved and I am continuing to improve it. My finances are in order and getting better every month and my communication issues are getting surprisingly better thanks to my own efforts and those of my therapist. I admitted my problems, I accepted them as a part of my life and I began taking steps to address them.
So now it comes to the very last issue, my eating. I admit my faults. I know where they came from and I know how they impact my life. I accept them as a part of myself, a part of who I am and how I became the person that I am today. They are me, for now, but I am determined to change them.
What About You?
Take a look in that mirror again. Don’t hide anything. Take a long hard look at yourself and at your life. It’s ok to see some things which upset you. It’s ok to see some things you would like to change. No one is perfect. Just accept those flaws as a part of yourself and then start working on changing them.
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Thank you to my friends and to my brother for supporting me over the past few months. Your love has carried me through the darkest periods of my life.
Make A Decision Already!
Posted by admin on Apr 25, 2009
“Where would you like to go eat today?”
“Oh, anywhere is fine with me.”
“Where would you like to go on our vacation?”
“Anywhere you want is ok, I’m flexible.”
“What turns you on in bed?”
“I like whatever you like.”
How many times have you answered a question with that kind of an answer? How many times have you surrendered control just so you wouldn’t have to make a decision? I used to do it all the time. I used to give in and play the door mat on almost every important decision in my life. This was especially true when the question came from someone I cared about, like my parents, my friends or my ex wife. Whatever the question was, I simply said I was ok with whatever they decided on. I gave them control thinking that I was being nice and loving, that I was the good guy by doing this.
I Was Wrong
It’s funny, looking back at it now, I can see how infuriating it must have been to the people asking me those questions. I can see it because it happens to me now. Now that I’m in control of my life, now that I’m not afraid to ask for what I want, I’m seeing more and more of this type of behavior. I see now that I wasn’t being a nice guy by giving up control, I was scared and I was putting too much unfair pressure on the person asking the question.
You see, when I said something like “oh, I don’t care, why don’t you choose a place”, that’s not quite what the other person hears. The other person sees that answer as “why don’t you somehow read my mind and find a place that we’ll both like. If you don’t, you’ll make me feel bad and then you’ll feel bad.” The funny thing is, that’s pretty much what I meant. I was too scared to say what I really wanted, too scared of confrontation, conflict or shame.
Unfair
Answers like these are unfair to the person asking them. We present that person with an impossible problem where they must come up with an answer that will make us both happy. Most of the time they’ll end up making a decision designed to please you and not them. You might sound like you’re being nice and playing the martyr, but the reality is that answers like these are a passive aggressive way of trying to get what you want without really asking for it. You know what you want, I did, but you’re scared to say it. So you say that you’ll be fine with anything and hope that the other person figures out what you want without you telling them, which is of course what they try to do.
I know this because I’ve been on both sides of this type of behavior. In the past, I used to give those exact same answers. It didn’t matter how minor or how important the issue was. It could have been something as small as what’s for lunch or something as big as sexual behavior, regardless of the issue I played the martyr card. I said I was ok with whatever happened even though I really wasn’t.
These days I’m on the asking side and I can see how frustrating it must have been for people when I gave this sort of answer. I ask my mother “where do you want to go to dinner?” and she answers “oh, where ever you want, I’m ok with anything” even though earlier on she told me how much she craves a certain dish or how she can’t stand certain cuisines. She’s playing the martyr, just as I was. She wants me to make the decision so she doesn’t feel selfish, just like I did. I see the same type of behavior in my friends and my coworkers.
SAY WHAT YOU WANT!
There’s nothing wrong with saying what you want. There’s nothing wrong with saying you prefer Chinese food or you want to go to Australia or you prefer the missionary position. There’s nothing wrong with expressing your opinions and preferences. As long as you’re willing to compromise, the other person will appreciate hearing what you want because they want you to be happy. They can’t read minds and they can’t guess your preferences, but they can listen when you express them. They can discuss and talk and compromise. Just stop hiding behind the martyr card. Stop pretending like your needs don’t matter. Stop pretending like you don’t deserve happiness. Stop trying to make the other person do all the work. It’s unfair and it only leads to unhappiness on both sides.
Be brave, say what you want. It’s not selfish, it’s selfless.
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By the way, all of this applies at work too. When your boss asks you what you want to do, he or she probably isn’t just being polite. They really want to know. Don’t be afraid to tell them but be willing to compromise.
Meaningful Conversations
Posted by admin on Apr 21, 2009
I just got off the phone with my mother. I call her every other day just to check on how she’s doing and every time it goes the same. She complains about her health and her job, I tell her how my weekend was. We say hi, we say goodbye and the world goes on, until two days from now when I’ll call her again. This is our relationship in a nutshell, a series of meaningless conversations that will be forgotten in less time than they took to have.
What Meaningful Conversation Is NOT
- It’s not about asking how are you
- It’s not about discussing the weather
- It’s not about relating some superficial details on what happened last weekend
- It’s not about being polite
Meaningful Conversations and How To Have Them
Meaningful conversations mean actively listening. That means you’re listening to what the other person is saying and also what they’re not saying. You’re not just passively paying attention and waiting for your chance to talk, you’re really hearing them, processing the information, analyzing it and then asking meaningful questions about it. Here are a few little tips that I’ve learned on how to have an active conversation:
- Don’t offer advice unless asked - People aren’t always looking for advice. Quite frequently, they’re just looking for a sympathetic ear attached to someone willing to listen. They can solve their own problem but they can’t have their own conversions. Stop trying to solve everyone’s problems and just have a conversation.
- Ask for more information - So they told you about their boss. Did you just nod and move on or did you inquire further? There’s probably a reason they told you about their boss. They probably have a lot more to say. Ask them. Ask for background, ask for details, show some interest. Invite them to share information.
- Repeat - Repeat what they just said but in a different way to show that you’re listening. If they told you they had a bad day because the car broke down, tell them “oh wow, yah, that does sound like a bad day” instead of the usual “mm… yah”.
- Volunteer some information about yourself - Conversations aren’t just about you listening, they’re also about you talking. Volunteer some information about yourself instead of waiting to be asked. Participate in the conversation by sharing your own knowledge and experience.
I know all of these things. I know them by heart. When I have a meaningful conversation, I really do it. I’m an incredible listener and an amazing speaker. I can get involved with anyone and make them feel like they’re being listened to and having a meaningful conversation with me.
And Yet…
So why, if I’m such an amazing listener, can I not have one meaningful conversation with my mother? Why do I dread the calls I make to her? Why was I occasionally unable to have a meaningful conversation with my ex wife? Why can I not have a real talk with my brother? Why do I resort to jokes and meaningless chatter with my friends?
Fear - I am afraid to have a real meaningful conversation. Oh sure, I can have them with coworkers and acquaintances, people who don’t matter that much, but I fear the true meaningful conversation. I’m afraid of exposing myself on a level that is more than superficial. I know this one impacts me a great deal but I’m making great progress in overcoming it. In fact, looking at the past few months, I can confidently say that I’ve overcome this problem.
Apathy - I no longer care to hear what the other party is saying. That’s an interesting one because I used to always blame myself for shallow conversations. However, the fact is that it takes two to hold a meaningful conversation and sometimes it’s the other person who’s incapable of doing that.
Which Brings Us Back To…
My mother is incapable of holding a meaningful conversation. She has become a bitter woman in her old age who is afraid of the world around her and is angry at life for failing her. That’s not my fault nor is it something I can change. I can suffer through those calls or I can choose not to but I will never have a real talk with her until she chooses to change. I have tried and tried and all I end up with is more heartache.
My ex wife was an intelligent and outspoken woman. I could have had real conversations with her but I was too scared. Alas, that’s an opportunity I have now lost. As much as I improve and overcome my fear, I will never have a meaningful conversation with her again. I cannot change who I was, I can only change who I am and who I will be.
My friends are intelligent and well spoken. Some of them are open and some are not. I can talk to them. I can open up to them if I want and I am going to choose to do so. I want meaningful ties, I want real friendships and you can’t have those without real conversations.
Win Some, Lose Some
You can’t change anyone else but yourself. I cannot change my mother, I cannot change the past. I can however change the future and I intend to do so. I will have my meaningful conversations with the people in my life who matter and the people in my life who are willing to have them. Those conversations I will cherish because they will bring me closer to the ones I love.
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Find the ones you love, find the ones who are open to talking and then go talk to them. Have a real conversation for a change and not just a discussion of superficial details. It’s the scariest experience some of us will ever have but it’s also the most rewarding.
Honesty
Posted by admin on Apr 11, 2009
We all tell little lies, don’t we?
- Where were you last night? Oh, I was home working - but really, you were out with friends.
- Want to go out? No, I have too much work to do - but really, you’d just rather watch a movie alone.
- Do you like me? I do, but let’s just be friends - but really, you want nothing to do with him.
- Do you want to do this? I do, but not right now - but really, you’re not interested at all.
Why do we tell these little lies? Mostly because we want to avoid conflict. We want to reduce the chance of an unpleasant conversation or a fight. If I told her I was out with friends, she’d be mad. If I told her I would rather just watch a movie tonight, she’d be hurt. If I told him he’s not my type, I’d feel embarrassed. If I told them I’m not into this new hobby, they’d be offended. Whatever it is, we want to smooth out our lives. We want to make everything ok and so we tell lies. We hide what we really want and obfuscate what we are thinking about.
I used to do that. I would do it all the time. Little lies, things that I thought didn’t matter, would be an everyday part of my life. I was the champion at avoiding conflict and smoothing things over. If you wanted an event to go well you could invite me and I would make sure everything went perfectly. No fights, no arguments, no unpleasant moments that I couldn’t cover with a joke or a funny story. The ironic part was that I wasn’t really avoiding conflict.
The Truth Hurts
All those potential conflicts I was avoiding were primarily in my head, a lesson I’d like to pass on to all of you. All the little lies that I was telling were just creating a potentially bad situation instead of avoiding it. Let me give you an example that I would commonly fall prey to. My ex wife loved to ride horses. Sounds innocent enough, right? Of course, she wanted me to participate in that part of her life. Again, that’s perfectly normal. When you love someone, you want to share your life with them, especially the parts you love.
For various personal reasons, I felt a little pushed into this whole riding thing. I actually wasn’t, but that’s a subject for another post. Still, I would invent reasons why I couldn’t go. I was busy with work, I had too much school work, I was afraid of riding, I enjoyed hiking more. Whenever she offered, I would give just one more little lie, until I couldn’t even keep all of them straight. In the end, it turned into a horrible mess of an argument where we both got hurt.
Could I have handled this better? Of course. Assuming I really didn’t want to ride I could have just said that. She might have been curious as to why and I would have told her, but would she have been hurt? Would it have turned into an awful argument? I doubt it. We would have talked and things would have been ok. In other words, the very act of lying, which I thought would avoid conflict, was actually causing conflict. That’s something that was difficult for me to learn. It was hard for me to realize that telling lies to avoid conflict is counter productive.
The Truth Sets You Free
There are two possibilities when you’re telling a lie to avoid conflict:
- The lie is unnecessary - For example, you forgot that you told your friends you’d go out with them and now your girlfriend wants to go out. You can lie and say you’re busy with work but is this really the best course? Telling the truth would not be a problem but telling the lie is setting you up for future misery. Sooner or later, you’ll be caught in these lies and then your girlfriend will be rightfully pissed. On the other hand, how about saying “sorry hun, I messed up. Would you mind if I go out tonight like I already promised my friends? Let’s spend tomorrow night instead and I’ll make it up to you.” Sure, if you do that every night you’re going to get in trouble, but if you’re the type of person who does that every night, you have bigger things to worry about. For the rest of us who have a stable and supportive relationship, the rare time you mess up is not going to be an issue. It might become one though if you lie about it.
- The lie is necessary - For example, you’re cheating on your wife. Clearly, telling her the truth will be disastrous. However, I have to say, if you’re cheating on your wife, your relationship probably has bigger problems than the occasional lie.
In other words, either the lie is unnecessary or, if it is necessary, you have bigger things to worry about. As for me, I have never cheated on a partner or spouse and I have never done something so bad that a lie was necessary. When I look back at my life and relationships, I realize that all of my lies were unnecessary. They were the little white lies, the lies we tell each other to smooth life over. Unfortunately, they are also the little white lies that eventually come back to bite us on the ass.
Lesson Learned
Last month my dad was visiting here. As was his usual habit, he brought over gifts when he arrived. My dad has always seen gifts as a way of buying his children’s affection, even though he’s become a very good father in the last few years. So here he comes bearing his gifts, while also experiencing a bit of financial problems of his own. Even worse, many of these gifts are things I don’t want, like candy when I’m trying to lose weight. In the past, I would thank him and pretend to be grateful and happy. I would tell the little lies that I thought I needed to in order to make him feel better and avoid any conflict between us. This time was different.
When my dad asked me if I enjoyed the presents, I told him the truth. I wasn’t rude and I wasn’t offensive. I was honest. I told him that I was trying to lose weight and so would prefer to avoid the candy. I told him that I was worried about his financial situation and wanted him to save money. I also told him that there was no need to buy my affection. He already has my love thanks to the incredible support and love he’s shown me in the last few years. There was no conflict, no argument. My dad and I came out of this conversation with a much stronger relationship.
No More Lies
There will be no more lies in my life. No more little white lies, no more obfuscation, no more misdirection, no more excuses. I don’t intend to do things I have to hide and I don’t intend to lie about things I don’t need to conceal. The truth is hard. It’s difficult to face and it’s even more difficult to say out loud. But the truth is the only way to build real relationships. You cannot build a relationship on a web of lies. Sooner or later, the whole things collapses underneath you.
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Thank you to Widow’s Quest for including a Questing Soul article in their latest carnival of positive thinking. Thank you to Pink Blocks for doing the same in their latest Carnival on Personal Power. Thank you to Money TLD for including my Focus on What Matters article in their latest Carnival of Personal Development. Finally, thank you to Spirit Happy for including my Comfort of Routine article in their latest Spirit Happy Blog Carnival.
I Hate Myself
Posted by admin on Apr 4, 2009
I hate my body, I hate my life, I hate my career, I have no will power, I’m awful, I’m a bad person, I can’t keep a promise, I suck at life, how did I get here, why can’t I stop, why can’t I do what I should do, why do I keep failing. Have you ever said that to yourself? Have you ever hated yourself? I have. It was a hobby of mine, finding all the ways in which I’m bad. Looking at all the things I’ve failed at. Going over in detail all the stupid memories of all the times I have ever failed. Trying to think of things I could have done differently and then beating myself up for not doing them back then. I blamed myself for everything that had gone wrong with my life and I hated myself for it. I was 50% right.
Responsibility Rather Than Blame
I am responsible for everything that happens in my life. Note that I am not saying I am to BLAME for everything that happens in my life, only that I am responsible for it. Blame means that it’s my fault, that I did something wrong but there are many things that can happen to me that are not my fault. There are many things that i am not in control of. However, even if I am not to blame, I am still responsible. It is my life, my responsibility. I may not have caused the issue but it’s in my life and I am now responsible for my actions. That’s the difference between blame and responsibility. Blame is focused on the past, it’s trying to find someone to accuse. Responsibility is focused on the future, it’s trying to find way to solve the issue. So my first lesson was all about responsibility.
I needed to take responsibility for my life and stop taking blame. That was an eye opening experience even though the change is subtle. Rather than telling myself “How could you have let this happen?” I was telling myself “How am I going to deal with this now that it happened?” Note that I am not trying to shift blame. I am not trying to say that someone else is responsible. In fact, I took responsibility for more things than I would blame myself for. In the past I would tend to blame others for many of the things that happened to me. That stopped. Instead, I took responsibility for everything in my life. It was all my responsibility and I was the in charge of changing it if I really cared about it.
Love Rather Than Hate
The next thing I needed to learn was how to love and accept rather than hate and reject myself. Let’s use my body as an example. I hated myself for the way I looked. I was fat and out of shape. I had never met a food I didn’t like and I couldn’t control my impulse to keep eating. I blamed myself, I blamed my environment and I blamed my friends and family. I also hated myself for it and disliked how out of control I was. However, as I slowly started to shift from blame to responsibility, I also started shifting from hate to love. I didn’t hate myself any longer and wanted to lose weight because of it. I loved myself and I wanted to lose weight because of it. Becoming healthier became an expressions of how much I loved myself and wanted to improve rather than how much I hated myself and want to change.
Here I Go Again…
I found myself in a similar situation recently, after my divorce. For those of you who have never been through such an experience, I highly recommend avoiding it. I lost the woman I love and I hated myself for it. I blamed everyone and everything and I hated who I was and what I had become. It was hard to change from that but I slowly started to make the same distinctions I had before. Yes, I had lost her, but rather than blaming myself, her, my friends, my family or anyone else involved, I took responsibility and determined to change what my life had become. If I couldn’t get her back, I would go out there and find new love.
Rather than hating myself for what I had done and consider myself a hopeless loser undeserving of love, I began to love myself again. Rather than vowing to change because I hated myself, I started thinking of change as an act of love, a way of making myself happier, rather than making myself less lonely. It’s a subtle difference but one that has a lot of impact.
Think about this for a second. What motivates you more? “I want to do this because I hate the current situation” or “I want to do this because I love myself and this will make me happy.” For me, the second choice is much better. It motivates me. It allows me to see a better future and that gives me hope. It shows me who I could be rather than who I don’t want to be. It gives me a glimpse into how wonderful my life could be rather than fixating me on the bad aspects of my life right now.
Motivation
I know that hate sounds like good motivation but it really isn’t. Hate doesn’t drive you towards what makes you happy, it just drives you away from the thing you hate. That might work, sometimes, but it’s much better to focus on the goal rather than the cause. Hate also puts a lot of stress on you and your emotions. You cannot really be happy while you hate yourself. You cannot achieve happiness when all you focus on is the hate. At some point, you need to let go of that or, better yet, turn it into love. Start appreciating yourself for who you are and for who you can be. It worked wonders for me when it came to my body and it’s working again, now, when it comes to my life post marriage.
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I hope this helped you as much as it helped me.
Why Worrying Doesn’t Help
Posted by admin on Mar 31, 2009
I worry, all the time. I worry about my job, I worry about my family, I worry about my relationships, I worry about what my friends think of me, I worry about what my neighbors say behind my back. Some of these worries are derived from fear; I fear shame and failure, but some of them are simply nervous habit. Either way, I look back and I realize that worrying has never helped me, not one bit. It has never benefited me in any way. I have never thought to myself “wow, good thing I worried about that thing” nor have I gone to bed saying “phew! It’s a good thing I worry all the time.” In fact, worry has made me make mistakes in some cases.
There have been times when I’ve done something, sent an email for example. Then I start worrying. Did I do the right thing? Did I communicate enough? Did I get my message across? What about those two things I should have said but completely forgot? Of course, if I worry enough, I will inevitably find myself trying to fix what I’m worried about. I’ll send another email trying to explain my previous one or I’ll leave a voice mail asking the recipient to ignore my email. Whatever the case may be, my follow up actions are typically more harmful than the issue I was so worried about.
Why Worry?
What does worry accomplish? What does it help with? If you’re worried about something, does it help? I understand that there are some things which are scary. For example, in the current economic times, many people are worried about their jobs. Will they be laid off? Will they have enough to support their families and keep their homes? These are valid questions, but does worrying about them help? If your job is in danger, does worrying make it safer somehow?
The answer is no. In fact, worrying about your job is the exact opposite of what you should do, which is something I’m only now learning. If there’s something you can do to make your job safer then do it. If there are things you can do to make your income more secure then by all means, go do them. However, sitting there doing nothing but worrying will not help. All it will do is stress you out. No one ever kept their job because they worried, they kept their job because they did something about it. No one ever made money by worrying, they made money by working or through sheer luck, but not through worrying. Even worse, sitting there worrying is going to affect your performance. It’s going to make you stressed out and unable to work. In other words, the only thing worrying about your job will do is get you fired.
What I Learned
What I’ve learned so far is that worrying is pointless. If I’m worried about something I ask myself a few questions:
- Is my worry justified? Most times I realize that it’s not. I’m simply torturing myself over trivial details that are meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
- Can I do something about it? If the subject of my worries is important, what can I do about it? If there’s something I can do, it’s much better to do it rather than worry. If there’s nothing I can do then how will worry help?
- Are my actions likely to make matters worse? In other words, is the fact that I’m sending out another email to clarify my first email really smart or will it just make people think I’m an idiot for overreacting to a minor issue? Will it confuse them even more?
In most cases I find out that I worry for nothing and I find something better to do with my time. On rare occasions, I find that I have a valid concern and I go ahead and do something about it. In a rare few cases I’ve found that I have a valid concern but there’s nothing I can do about it. In such cases, I acknowledge the worry and move on. There’s no impact that I can have, no way of changing the situation, so why worry about something I cannot change? It will either happen or it won’t happen and nothing I can do, including worrying, will have any effect. I have yet to find a case or situation where worrying is helpful.